Acceptance was a selfish wish
by Bauxitt
Summary: Kakashi had always only ever wanted to be accepted. Something he figured out in the end was not a suitable for someone like him. Someone like him who just wasn't enough. (Canon death and sadness, set in Kakashi's youth)


**This goes against my previous story where I said that I'm a sucker for a happy ending (I really am), but this is not that happy, in any way actually.**

 **But, nevertheless, enjoy!**

 **I do not own anything that is recognisable.**

* * *

Kakashi had always only wanted to be accepted.

As a young child he learned that to be accepted and liked you had to be strong and smart. He learned this from Gai and his father who no one liked because of their incompetence. Luckily for him he was a prodigy, smart, agile and a fast learner from the start of his life. That would surly get him accepted.

It worked, but it gave him a reputation that preceded acceptance. He became unapproachable. No one wanted to be close to him because he was intimidating. However, Kakashi didn't know why. Why did people keep giving him looks then turning around with scowl? Everyone shut him out, no one wanted to play with him because he always won, it wasn't fun for them. Rumours spread quickly and soon he didn't even get to play. Watching from the trees as the other children played kick the tin was awful, they were laughing and running, pushing and hugging, while he watched, lips trembling, nose running and heart hurting. Kakashi couldn't quite understand what he had done wrong, wasn't he good enough?

He didn't like that his lips kept trembling when his heart hurt, he had seen other boys getting bullied when their lips did it, and if he ever wanted to be accepted trembling lips would surely not help. At first a scarf did the job, but his dad caught on quickly and gave him a fitting mask. He was lucky to have his dad, even if no one else would, his dad would always accept him.

Soon he learned you had to follow the rules and laws to the dot to be approved. His dad was a disgrace. Of course, it would not do to abandon such an important mission. Abandoning a mission was to break the rules, missions always came first as they were there to help the greater good. So what if a few people died to achieve that. It was necessary. His dad had just made his path to acceptance that much harder. No one would accept the son of a failure. People he had never even seen before scorned him so how was he supposed to get people who actually knew him to like him? However, as luck would have it, it didn't seem as if his new teacher knew anything about his disgrace of a father, because why else would he be so nice.

Finally, he felt like he was accepted. Minato was caring and kept by him even when others criticized his young age and flawed genes. Kakashi just had to prove to everyone that he could finish important missions and follow the rules.

With Obito that perspective quickly - well, rather suddenly and too late - changed. Obito didn't accept him. He hated his rule-obsessed mind and rigid attitude. Kakashi, too, had a strong dislike for Obito's carelessness and _love_. Such thing did not belong in the shinobi world. Kakashi didn't need Obito's acceptance, didn't want it. A person like him was not someone Kakashi thought had the right to not accept him. But when Rin was kidnapped and Obito proclaimed Kakashi's father a hero, Kakashi had a hard time understanding Obito's motive.

 _"Those who abandon their comrades are worse than trash!"_

Was that true? But then, why was his father scorned like that? Had the same thing happened if he had completed the mission at the cost of his comrades' lives? A scenario without a right answer?

Then maybe it was best to do both.

Losing an eye was worth it. Obito had never given him an expression like that, like he actually liked him, like he actually _accepted_ him as a friend. And in return, Obito awakened his Sharingan to protect them both. So this was what it felt like to have friends, to be accepted. It had caused a growth in both of them, and maybe, maybe that was the importance of comrades.

The look on Rin's face when she had seen them before her, rescuing her, it was full of hope and happiness. She was grateful if Kakashi read her right. This was something new to take into consideration, too. It was the same that had happened when he gave his eye for Obito.

But because of that sacrifice, he hadn't seen the rock that knocked him to the ground and that had forced Obito to rescue him.

To see his comrade like that was not something Kakashi ever wanted to relive. Just when they had started to accept each other. The cruel world separated them. And Kakashi had never felt more worthless. Was this what people did when there was acceptance? If so, then maybe he shouldn't strive for it such. Obito hadn't deserved to die like that, protecting someone who, only a few hours ago, would have given him to the wolves if it meant completing the mission. He was not worth such a sacrifice. Obito should have let him be.

But nevertheless, he accepted Obito's eye, promising to protect Rin and to let Obtio see the future through their shared eye. It was the least he could do to make up for maybe a tiny fraction of what he had done.

Obito taught him another lesson on getting accepted, but Rin enforced it only a year later. When she killed herself to protect the village, Rin, a rather average medic nin, became the role model for all the small girls in the village. His male team mate, who had always been dead last, now had his name on the memorial stone and people spoke his name with wonder and friendliness. Kakashi wondered that if he gave his life for a team mate or the village, would people accept him? No one accepted him anymore now. Few even acknowledged him and most had a great dislike or hate or fear towards him.

 _Friendkiller._ That was what most called him, and Kakashi couldn't help but agree. He had literally pushed a hand through Rin's heart and stopped it. No matter the circumstances, if Kakashi hadn't killed her, someone would have saved her and she would be here today. Obito had died to save _his_ life, which indirectly meant that Kakashi could have - should have - died instead of him. But, since Kakashi hadn't died, Obito had, and therefore, Kakashi had killed him too. And now, three of the four people who had ever accepted him was gone and the fourth would surely not accept him now.

Minato was proclaimed Hokage and Kakashi was left alone. It was for the best, Minato didn't need someone like him around, that's probably why he put Kakashi in ANBU. To get rid of him, keeping him out of the public eye. He wasn't worthy of being seen. Placing him where people lived, killed and died in secret. And maybe that's what Minato was hoping for. Maybe that's what he should do.

He had thought about it. To just - die. Leave this plane and the pain it brought. But from the reactions his father had gotten when he had done it, he hadn't dared. Even if he wouldn't be there to receive the hateful words and nasty scowls, he couldn't go peacefully knowing what would happen to his remains and legacy.

His body would never be properly buried, but rather burned and forgotten, no place for his name and grave, not worth the effort. No one would need or want his grave, so why take up place in a graveyard full of people with meaningful lives and deaths, when his was anything but. His name would forever be muttered his malice and hate, the disgraced Hatake Clan, cowards, monsters, and _friendkillers._ Hatake Kakashi, a worthless use of chakra and space. Kakashi wouldn't be able to bare it.

And the thought of meeting his already lost friends, his father. How would he ever be able to face them? No, he couldn't. It was one thing to see those hateful expressions of unknown people, but his family? His friends? He would surely die another death. It broke his heart whenever he thought of them. The expressions they're surely wearing. Looking down at the failure that is his entire existence. Too often, Kakashi imagined their faces and the hate that would fill their eyes at the sight of him. They are only more names on his list of people he's struggling to get acceptance from. And god, it is a difficult feat to get the dead to accept you.

So he worked harder.

 _Friendkiller._ No one would accept him with that title over his head. Therefore, he took as many missions as he could get, trying to help the village as much as he could. Killing every enemy, fast and efficiently. He saved every companion he had with him, never letting a comrade die, even if it meant he had to finish the mission alone and risk his life. Because that was what he had to do, right? If he ever wanted to be accepted, he need to either die for the village or a team mate, or build up a good and kind reputation as a trusted comrade. Right?

He quickly figured out that the 'Die for the village or a team mate' plan wouldn't work. Being a prodigy was apparently only a bother. He acted automatically and correctly no matter what, he was too good to die while doing missions, injured - yes, exhausted - yes, dead - never. No matter how much he wanted to.

Which left plan B. However, that plan, too, was flawed. Good and kind? It was laughable. If you had asked _any_ villager how they would describe Hatake Kakashi these were the word you would get. Coldblooded. Frightening. Loner. A beast. Emotionless. Kakashi couldn't understand it. He keeps trying and keeps failing.

Why won't anyone accept him? Why won't anyone tell him that he's good enough, that he's worth something to someone?

And he has the answers. He's always had them.

It's because he's not. Not good enough. Not worth anything. Not loved or cared for. Not suitable for acceptance. He's just - not.

When Minato dies Kakashi once more isn't good enough. He couldn't help them, he wasn't strong enough, he wasn't smart enough, fast enough, good enough. He just wasn't enough.

None of his former classmates approach him anymore. Only Gai. Gai who's so persistent, and Kakashi often wonders why. He was not someone anyone would or should be persistent about. He'll just get Gai killed like everyone else who's ever tried to accept him. He was cursed.

And his wish to be accepted was now a selfish dream. People shouldn't have to accept him, they shouldn't do it for their own safety. If sacrifice and death was all that came from acceptance, Kakashi would stop hoping for it.

He kept up his routine. Missions and comrades first, his life and dreams last under a very long list of higher priorities. Getting accepted was not even on the list anymore.

* * *

 **Sorry for such a depressing story, but I couldn't help myself... Anyways, all mistakes are mine, so please tell me and I'll work on it!**

 **I may be posting another chapter dealing with Kakashi's feelings regarding acceptance with Naruto's generation and such, but don't wait up for it. Like I said, I'm a sucker for happy endings and so I want to make a happy ending to this too.**

 **Feel free to review and/or favourite and/or follow! ^^**

 **~Bauxitt**


End file.
